Monday, March 19, 2012

Polar Bear Sex and Other Awkward Conversations

Last night I reached deep into my bag of tricks that I regularly rely on to lure boys into my bed.

Drugs and porn turned out to be just the ticket.

Not necessarily in a conventional sense, I suppose.  Not even boys in a conventional sense, I suppose, although my better half was at work and with more organization and time management I could have been making some cash on the side...but those who know me best know how utterly exhausted I am and how far I'd have to discount my rates because I just wouldn't have it in me to put forth the effort to lipstick-up enough to attract any decent paying customers.

No, the "drugs" were merely melatonin, the natural supplement I toss the riled-up childrens' way on those nights when it's imperative that they get their little fannies to sleep, nights like last night when a school morning would come far too early and struggling with them to go-to-bed-before-I-spank-you is a fight I've come to know far too well.

The porn was incidental...Daddy had recorded a special new movie for us....the Discovery Channel's Frozen Planet.  Right out of the gate, across the frozen polar ice caps tromped a polar bear who was, according to the narrator, on the hunt...but not for food.  He was looking for a mate.

Great.  I did not realize when Discovery was hyping up this series with its grandiose cinematographic artistry and awesome close-up coverage of whale blow-hole steam, they were going to go straight for the juiciness first thing.  Seriously people, WTF?

Clayton was squirming.  He wouldn't sit still.  He was trying to wedge himself between me and Esten, who had positioned himself comfortably in the middle of the bed while I was attempting to finish a book about evil that I've been working on a long time, but can't seem to get through because of my Offspringus Interruptus.  When he wasn't doing that he was jumping on the floor to take a bite of a cracker that I had forbidden him from bringing onto the bed due to crumb residue.  The child constantly claims to be "STAHVING TO DEAF".

The great white beast lumbered through the snow and found his lady-friend's foot prints...she was close.  He began to walk directly in her prints until he found her...Esten was wide-eyed.  My stomach twisted, then when they showed the two bears together, first walking side by side, then biting at each other, what polar bears do polar-bear-style, Esten blurts out:

"I know which one is the boy bear and which one is the girl bear!"

And in my head I go:

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE.  Where the Hell is your FATHER!?!?!?!  I have taken on like a thousand difficult situations with you little so-and-sos lately and it is HIS turn to deal with this!"

But when I open my mouth I say:

"Really?  Because the guy said the boy is twice as big as the girl?"

"No.  Because the boy is all dirty...because boys are always screwing around in the dirt and mud and getting all messy and girls stay nice and clean, see?  She is still all white, because girls are just good and have tea parties and stuff."

"Hmmm...I suppose that's one way to tell, yeah."

So I was so blindsided I didn't even have the energy to point out the fact that he's got girl cousins and friends who totally like to do "boy" things and get just as dirty as he does, and I was just trying to concentrate on getting the oxygen back into my lungs at that juncture.

The boy polar bear went on to fight several battles with other male suitors, and I did have to explain that "those guys" were "other dudes who also liked his girlfriend".  That poor polar bear got the crap knocked out of him for a couple weeks while he stayed with her before they finally said "Well, guess this is it....see you around", and parted ways.  He dragged his pummelled, bloody, skinny body off to find a meal and left her hopefully pregnant and on her own.

I felt sorry for him too...until I realized he just left her alone and never
paid a DIME in child support.  He was just showing off to get into her pants.


"Why did he leave her?  Is he coming back?  Is he going to bring her some food?  Will he see the babies?"

Holy Hell.  Really?

Makes sense, our zoos, they've created these fake little polar bear "families" that don't replicate nature at all.  My poor kiddos were so confused by the whole thing but they had completely NOT NOTICED THE HUMPING PART.

Then, a reprieve for me....a different animal flashed across the screen that captured their attention and saved me from having to explain.  I don't even know what it was, I just breathed again at the realization that I wasn't going to have to launch into a big sex-Ed lesson with my kiddos over this show and I went back to my book about murderous twins and whatnot until Clayton tapped me on the leg and drowsily demanded to know where the remote was.

"Turn it off, Mommy....I'm tired....Esten's already asleep."

And so it worked, once again....within thirty minutes Momma bear got her cubs to go to bed...I don't know how that polar bear does it, because we didn't get that far in the movie if they covered it at all...but I'm pretty sure she does it without drugs and porn.  In the frozen arctic tundra.  While being an "endangered species", and a single mother.  Once again...other mothers getting all show-offy with their skills.  She probably has more Facebook friends than me, awesome fish recipes on her Pinterest board and a kick-ass secret way to get stains out of white fur.

As per usual for my life....rub it in, polar bear....rub it in.

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