Saturday, February 25, 2017

Bag Lady

Can we talk purses for a minute?

I cleaned mine out today, and I'm trying to establish whether:

  1. I may make other women (or men - no judgment) feel normal
  2. Other women (or men - no judgment) may make me feel like I'm normal
My purse - that giant grey bag that looks like it might have been made from an entire elephant's worth of skin, except that it's probably "vegan leather" or something. It's Nine West, and I can't remember but very likely got it at TJ Maxx for no more than 40 bucks. I'm not a purse snob, and I'll never have anything by Coach or that is otherwise covered in logos like LV or anything else of significant value. My main criteria for a purse is that it has to look semi-professional for business travel, fit a book, and be booger-proof and wipeable with baby wipes, those miracle cloths that get shit off your kid and any literal thing else off of any other literal thing you don't want that whatever it is to be on anymore.

A friend recently did a clean-out and copped to her apparent addiction to Chap Stick. So I thought I'd gut mine and take a good hard look at the absurdities, all in one place. Here's a rundown of the contents, most of which admittedly found their way back into that black hole, because, it turns out, I actually need most of this shit all the time.

  • Three smaller purses. Yes. Inside my purse are other purses. This is the only way I can keep things straight. I sort of categorize things in the smaller purses so they don't get lost in that cavernous space. One is designated for ID and money and whatnot so that I can grab it out to not pack that monstrosity into places where it would be a pain to drag, or where there's a "bag inspection" line so other participants don't glare at me like I'm packing a shotgun in there or otherwise holding up the line for no apparent reason.
  • One each of a black glove from two different pairs. They're both black so it's ok.
  • Card holders. Credit/Debit cards, ID, store cards, business cards. Every card except the Queen of Hearts.
  • Two packages of tooth floss
  • One each lip balm, chap stick, and lipstick
  • Ear plugs
  • Hand sanitizer
  • Shampoo, conditioner, and lotion from our last hotel stay. One of our hockey moms collects these items for crisis kits for kids and families from her school. I've been meaning to give them to her for a week.
  • Ten bandaids because last time I cut Hubs' hair I butchered my knuckle and that sonofabitch would NOT stop bleeding.
  • Ten different options for periods, because my uterus likes to surprise me.
  • One normal size hairbrush with one hair tie
  • One tiny hairbrush with one hair tie
  • Two teabags - one mint and one peach
  • Three packages of magnesium powder
  • One honey bear
  • A fork
  • Pill crusher - which I use for crushing chicken bullion cubes because I'm too impatient to wait for them to dissolve.
  • 79 cents. The only real cash in there.
  • Lemon gum, which I have no idea why I even buy because chewing gum makes my jaw hurt and gives me a headache, and the artificial sweeteners give me a headache and tear up my guts.
  • Gonzaga ticket from the game against San Fran that put them at 27-0 for the season (thanks to a very generous brother-in-law - THANKS ERICK!!)
  • Sunglasses case
  • Eye glasses
  • Sunglasses
  • Backup sunglasses
  • One Cars PullUp with the side panel torn out in a panic to wipe a snotty nose
  • Miscellaneous unused napkins in case someone wants to wipe their nose with not-a-PullUp
  • One Army guy
  • A rubber bracelet
  • One bouncy ball
  • Two colors of post-it notes
  • Ten pens and markers
  • Five cough drops
  • Enough Dramamine to choke a donkey
  • Methylated vitamin B because my stupid cells won't absorb regular vitamin B
  • Purse hanger that I lost in my in-laws' driveway once but then my FIL plowed snow with the tractor and found it
And that's it. Very little of this didn't go right back in. I plan to get rid of the travel-size Bath and Body Works items TODAY, but in reality I will likely forget and continue schlepping those around for another month. Maybe the person I need to give them to will read this and remind me because - obviously I am either prepared for EVERYTHING or I am a hoarder.

What about you? What's in your purse? More than this? Less than this? What's the weirdest thing that you're willing to admit that you've been packing around in public this way?

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Cheese Touch Update

Caution: "Super happy sharks" ahead, in case that kind of thing offends you.

Esten did that thing he said he was going to do, and I asked him for the lowdown.

He had gotten up in front of the class and declared:

"You guys. We HAVE to get our act together. We are in the SIXTH GRADE. We should know better than to bully other kids by now. The little kids are watching us for how to act. We're better than this."

The teacher agreed. So naturally at recess five minutes later, he received feedback from one of his peers, thusly:

"That Sharks hoodie is so GAY, just like YOUR'E GAY, Esten."

Not gay.

Maybe a little gay.

Because of course this is how the kid that probably needed to listen to Esten's advice the most would react to this, right?

And just like that, my kid finally realized that it doesn't matter how much you shame someone for their shitty behavior. Assholes abound.

(Who'da thunk it? He should see my Facebook feed.)

Of course, when Esten relayed this followup to me he never said the word gay. Instead, he said the kid had said "that other word for super happy" in both instances.

As in:

"That Sharks hoodie is so "that other word for super happy that's not super happy", just like YOUR'E "that other word for super happy that's not super happy", Esten."

And he did it with air quotes, which I ADORE and which Esten does a LOT when he's telling me how his day went and especially when I can tell he has been holding it in all day and trying VERY hard not to be a retaliatory little butthole to others and also because he knows he would get his mouth washed out with soap for talking like that, generally.

Like the day he said P.E. sucked because Little Johnny "acts like it's the Olympics all the time".

We still have things to work on. I know it's hard seeing others act out without consequence, and this year he's testing some new limits. And occasionally my patience. This though, this made me proud that he was brave enough to speak his mind. He knew the backlash would come and he did it anyway.

I know there are kids in his class that said nothing. They didn't and haven't reacted. But they know that Esten is on their side. And THAT will leave a bigger, more lasting impression on them than his silence.

Today he is still my favorite.

PS: Another kid informed my children that they are "trash" because they do not currently wear Nike brand shoes. I'd like it noted now that when they're due for new shoes (which is always so any day now, really) I WILL get them Nikes, but only because of their CEO's recent statement, which you can read here. Mark Parker is my second favorite.