Thursday, March 20, 2014

I've Got Your Bird....Right Here


Greetings Friends! As you know, I am an AVID birdwatcher, but my friends and I keep getting into trouble when folks catch us sneaking a peek at the chickadees perched in the dogwoods in their backyards.

Tired of returning to court to deal with restraining orders, we decided to start a fundraiser to install Birdwatching Benches by the ponds where a perennial mix of ducks and Canadian geese gather to fluff their feathers so that the whole community can share what we have grown to love over the years.


OK people, so apparently nobody's going to kick in any money and the City says in order for them to donate the land that the benches would sit on and to justify tax money supporting any part of this project, SOMEONE has to come up with at least 50 grand to break ground.  I guess I'll do it myself. I SINCERELY would appreciate some backing here.  I am seriously getting tired of being harassed by my neighbor every time he catches me in his yard. The cops know my birthdate by heart. Let's make this happen. Oh, and they said since I'm putting in so much of my own money the bench grouping will be known as the "DayLeeFix Dirtybird Depot". Sweeeet! Stand by and be looking for a sign you guys!!


Found a way to help the process along. Volunteered for the Advisory Board, because apparently nobody at the city knows ANYTHING about birdwatching benches. Who has never heard of birdwatching benches?? Jeebus I hate this backward town. CANNOT WAIT TO MOVE, YO. On the plus, they're going to go with whatever I say. Lolz, for real has this town ever heard of Google??? Whatevs, though. They like don't question ANYTHING I tell them. AT ALL.


Great news!!  Birdwatching benches are installed, complete with built in hooks for binocular straps. They are thee coolest.  Super super sick.  Come check them out everyone, for real.


Super bad news guys.  I went to enjoy the birdwatching benches and every one of them was being sat on by like....just regular PEOPLE. they were just....eating ice cream and they weren't even LOOKING at the birds. In FACT, they were being so noisy with their joyful laughter that half the birds flew away. One kid was even standing on the bench. With his SHOES on. And some of them were wearing really gross MOM JEANS with metal rivets that were scratching the benches and some of them were fat so the scratches were really deep. WTF? Everyone knows birdwatching benches are not to be sat on in bluejeans, they're meant to be sat on in khakis.  I won't stand for this. I invested a LOT of my personal money so that this COMMUNITY could ENJOY these birdwatching benches. That kind of comes with the understanding that I get to be in charge and make the rules. This is BS.


Whew.  Crisis averted.  Got my birdwatching buddies together and went to the Council and explained to them the situation, about how dangerous it is for kids to be on those benches because one might sneak up on me and if I lower my binocs too quickly I might elbow one in the head and I just have their safety in mind, and how those jeans are damaging my investment and sometimes a rogue cameltoe appears in my lens and distracts from my birdwatching experience and whatnot, and how they were NEVER MEANT or designed to be used for ANYTHING but birdwatching (HELLO they're called BIRDWATCHING BENCHES for a reason, not SITTING BENCHES). So they passed an ordinance banning children or anyone wearing jeans or anyone too fat or eating ice cream from just sitting on the benches effective immediately.  I feel so much better now that we can get back to the community enjoying the birdwatching benches. If those people want SITTING BENCHES they should do their OWN fundraiser like I had to and get their OWN in another area, instead of complaining after the fact that they can't sit on mine anymore. Sheesh. What is WRONG with people. I paid the is this complicated??