Friday, August 18, 2017

I Won SNL Tickets!

You Guys. I won SNL tickets. I'm not even shitting you. For real.

Every August, Saturday Night Live opens up its lottery for tickets. You email them and they tell you if you win and what show you're scheduled to see. You don't get to request any date. That's how it works.

Hubs told me he put in for them. I didn't tell him I'd done it a few days before that. This is what real love is, people. It didn't matter, neither of us was going to win.

I'd gotten an auto-reply which I initially regarded as spam, but it went over some additional requirements such as that you had to have your full name and email address in the body of your email, so realizing that I had not done that in mine, I sent another. Mine read as follows:


Hubs and I are DYING this summer without our weekly dose of SNL (so we are looking forward to the upcoming Thursday weekend updates!). So is the rest of America. So to say that we are more deserving of tickets than everyone else makes us selfish assholes. But we really need to get away from our three children who like to sneak around the living room corner late at night on Saturday to see what the hell is sooo funny that's making us laugh so hard when we are generally scowling at them when they're trying to be funny by jumping on the nice furniture and farting on one another.

We promise to laugh harder and clap louder than anyone else. We are from Idaho, which everyone thinks is Iowa, but it's not. My husband in particular would love any musical guest because his iPod on shuffle plays Metallica, Christmas music, Hanson, Olivia Newton John, Adele, Lady Gaga, The Wiggles, Willie Nelson, Justin Bieber, Volbeat, Sia, and Carlos Santana.

I promise to write all about our experience on my blog, which has a far-reaching exposure of 3.6 human readers known to me personally and 47 Russian spy bots at http://www.dayleefix.blogspot.com

Thank you!



On Tuesday (8/15), I received the following email from NBC Universal:

CONGRATULATIONS! We are thrilled you are one of Saturday Night Lives’ biggest fans and would like to invite you and a guest to be a part of our “Weekend Update Summer Edition” audience on August 17! We are holding two (2) tickets under your name! To confirm your tickets please reply to this email within 24 hours of receiving it or the tickets will be forfeited. 

I checked my day planner.



And then I immediately cried more tears than I did at the births of all three of my children combined. How could I be such a winner and such a loser all at the same time? I texted my boss:

"Hey. I won tickets to SNL, but it's for this week's Weekend Update. So I'm gonna need three days off and like $50,000 for last minute plane tickets and the fee to kennel my children. K thanks."

Luckily, he's pretty nice so he said yes, but also he has like zero authority so it didn't mean shit.

Anyway, a promise is a promise so I'm gonna write about my experience here.



The seats were amazing. Front row. Super comfy. Normally there would have only been tickets for two, but this time the entire family was there. I finally broke the news to my kids as they looked at me, wide-eyed.

"Guys, I have news. I won tickets to this show. Like THIS ONE that we are watching right now. But it didn't work out and dad and I couldn't go, because I didn't realize when I entered the drawing that they were also giving away tickets for these 30 minute Thursday shows. Now...you know that I love you very much, and even though Grandma is out of town and couldn't watch you, had this been a Saturday Night show, I would have left you with a dirty hobo in North Lewiston and high-tailed it to New York City."

And Clayton was like, "Yeah, duh."

And then the show started. And for thirty minutes including commercial breaks I died inside.

Jimmy.

Seth.

TINA.MTHRFKNG.FEY.



My feelings right now. Accurate.



It was a great show. Nobody better than Tina Fey could have appeared the one time I won the (ticket) lottery and couldn't go. You know why?

Here's a rundown of my week, the things that kept me from saying, "screw it, let's hop a flight":

  • A group of current members of a professional association I belong to asked to meet to discuss forming a new local chapter. This foundation-level participation may not have moved forward if I'd missed it. I'm the Vice President now, and I'm not sure how that happened.
  • Stuffed 800 million pieces of paper with things like school district calendars and instructions to apply for free or reduced lunches or milk and permission slips for field trips and vision testing and the "hey, so you got boobs-n-pubes now no big deal, or also hey, so you don't have boobs-n-pubes yet no big deal" talk into manila envelopes for 400 children to crumple into the abyss that is their backpacks in a week.
  • Provided insight into the job that I do for actual paper money to other people so that maybe the world is a better place tomorrow (but probably not).
  • Hockey meeting because even when it's 105 degrees outside, we still have to talk about the hockey.
  • Gathered materials for another entity who sought out my expertise on one particular topic in preparation for a week-long faculty opportunity in the town I went to once and luckily didn't get stabbed and I really feel like I'm getting sassy with the universe by going back there, TBH.
  • Ordered one mascot costume for 2ndKid as a gift from our family to the school for the purposes of smearing school spirit allllll up in there.
  • Also like, my normal job and also like Hubs' normal job that we do for money.


All this shit. This stuff that could have waited. This stuff that takes precedent and we fall back on when something fun or amazing or once-in-a-lifetime comes up. All of it is the reason I woke up today okay with having watched it from the living room with the fam. Because if I've ever learned anything from Tina Fey, it's that bitches get stuff done.



Saturday, June 17, 2017

Father's Day, Here in the Upside Down

It's Father's Day here in the Upside Down. Or rather the Right-Side-Up. Depending on who you ask, I guess, because it is pretty nuts here.

If you don't know what the Upside Down is, stop reading immediately. Go take your pants off and bingewatch Stranger Things over on the Netflix machine and I'll talk to you in three days.





If you're still with me now, you might regret it.

Whenever I have tried to explain my family tree to other people and how I got from point A to point B and enjoyed a fist full of name changes by the time I entered Kindergarten, and how some people are one human but two different kinds of relatives to me, their brains short circuit.


Wait...say that again? Slower this time.

Over the past year or two I realized that my three boys are spaced out the same in age that I was with my older sisters. It's like they're the not-upside-down version of my past life. That is my B.A. life (Before Adoption). They're like the normal version of the dark, cloudy, sticky version of me and my sisters. And if anyone is keeping track, I'd be the ToddlerBandit one, which is creepy because he is the only one who was as obsessed with his belly button as me (#nozippyjammies) and also he was an accident.

Very long story short, there were three of us, and our parents couldn't keep their collective shit together, and yada yada yada, father with a pregnant girlfriend in another state, blah blah blah, "my new wife doesn't like you so go find a place to live", etc., etc., then I got adopted and my sisters did not. If you would like the detailed version, just let me know, but you should probably have a couple drinks first.

Having a father choose a woman over his children was something my Mr. understood, so I've never had to try to explain what a hole that leaves in a kid. Even an adult kid. His situation was a little different, and he grew up with all his sisters. We both enjoyed replacement dads for most of our lives that were just right for us.

Mine died when I was pregnant with ToddlerBandit. I hate that they never got to meet.

This whole couple years I held my breath, waiting. Waiting for a phone call or a knock on the door or a letter. I waited for someone to yank the rug out from under me, to find out about Mr. Fix having a pregnant girlfriend in another state.

For the record, my scheduling him for a vasectomy against his will had nothing to do with this.

And ToddlerBandit turned three and then he turned four and then...nothing. No other woman, no sudden departure, no abandoning his children.

And then just before this weekend, Mr. Fix drove off. Alone. East. One quick goodbye in the hall and he was out the door. And I didn't care.

I didn't care because he is headed to New Jersey to pick up a boat. A replacement for the SS Lee, Mr. Fix found a good deal on the Internets. And he left.

Father's Day weekend.

The reason I don't care is because we don't get hung up on Hallmark holidays. And because I know when he gets there he's turning around and coming home. He's doing it because he values family time, and some of our best family times are on the water.



And our kids are unfazed by it. I've told them a dozen times where he is, and two dozen times they've asked, "Where's dad? Did he go for a run? Is he asleep? Is he working today?"

And all the while I'm up his ass to check in every day. But it's not because I'm paranoid he's left us and that my kids will have to grow up without their dad (or, unthinkably, each other). It's for the normal reasons like that he might be dead in a ditch somewhere and I'd like to know which cops to call to report him missing. As of yesterday, I believe that was Illinois.

You know, normal worry-wart type things. Normal is nice.

Friday, June 9, 2017

That's Just My Face




At least 40 million times twice a day Hubs asks me if I'm mad, and I have to remind him that no, and that's just my face. My Resting Bitch Face. I'm happy. Ecstatic, even. No, really.

So I'm always surprised, if I journey this Earth looking stuck up and unapproachable, why the Hell do so many people in stores approach me and ask,

"Do you work here?"


I am careful not to wear my name/photo badge when I shop. So I can only guess my being mistaken for store employees is from the way I float around the store. I worked retail about four lifetimes ago, and you get an eye for certain things. I tend to swoop around, hitting all the clearance racks, and while I'm sorting through for sizes, I will refold scattered stacks of jeans, regroup the shirts on the rack by color, and will hand a cashier random things I find on the floor, like popped-off security tags sticking up like a tack waiting to go through the bottom of someone's foot.

I will always leave your store in nicer shape than I found it.

I often don't have anything in my hands because shopping is OFTEN not fruitful for me. Or I might be wandering back from the dressing room to put the clothes away that I just tried on, annoyed and depressed. But I never leave things in the dressing room and really don't like leaving them on a generic rack outside the dressing room. If I got it out, I'll put it away. Which, I suppose normal people don't do. So I am mistaken for an employee any time I'm out and about without ToddlerBandit right at my side, up my butt and demanding payment in chicken nuggets and french fries for his time.

Today, twice in one store.

Two women were hovering around a rack of clearance dresses that I was rehanging my failed sizing attempts at.

"Do you work here?"


"Um, no...I mean, I did...like 25 years ago. But not now, why?"

"We need dresses for a wedding and they have to be silver and we're having a hard time. Where do they keep their fancy dresses?"


"OOooohhhh, Yeah. So their formal stuff is generally on these two racks but there might be a few on the clearance rack here. And Macy's has some but they're kind of just prom dresses but they do have ONE rack where they keep things that are returns from other stores, it's in the clearance area too."

"I like this one but they don't have my size and also it needs to be silver."


"You should look online to see if they have that style in another size or color."

"I don't have internet."

[*Gets phone out. Scrolls. Finds a dress.]



"You can have them order it in the back, but this way you'll know what to ask for. And since you don't live in town, just have them ship it to your house."

"Oh sweetie, thank you so much!"

So I left them to make one swath through the men's department to see whether they had any clearance fancy suit britches or shirts that I can spend my Sunday night ironing for Mr. Fix (they didn't) and got stopped by an older gentleman.

"Do you work here?"


I had noticed him just standing between two shelves of jeans. I thought he was waiting on someone else.

"Well, no. Not now anyway. I probably still know enough to help you though."

He was heading out of town on a work job and was utterly perplexed by the pre-shrunk or shrink-to fit sizing conversion and durability differences of Levi's 501s and needed help. This was something I could do in my sleep. I helped him get what he needed, let him know about Levi's quality guarantee and reminded him to keep his receipt and that he could probably take them back to the same store wherever he was heading if there was a problem.

"Gosh, thank you so much. I just so appreciate that. You've been such a big help. You say you used to work here?"


"Yeah, well it was a long time ago, but Levi's haven't changed."

"Well, you're sure nice to help me out. You have such a nice smile. I won't take up any more of your time, honey."

And then he gave me a card in case I need any construction or remodeling work done (when he gets back from his big out-of-town job, I guess).

And I left, empty handed (except for the business card). And when I get home the conversations will go more like this:

"Mom, do you know where my [fill in the blank here with anything from toothbrush to hockey stick to underwear to shoes] is? I can't find it."

~or~

"Mom? Are we out of [grocery item that is literally staring them in the face]?


"Oh.My.Gaaaaaaaaaaaah you guys. Seriously. Open your eyeballs. Jeebus H. Crisco. Are you going to do this all summer? Because if you're going to do this all summer I'm going across the street and telling the Superintendent that you would LOVE to come over and cut his lawn by hand with a pair of scissors all summer for free and pick up dog poop in Mrs. Byrer's yard."

And Mr. Fix will say, "What's wrong? You look mad."

And I'll say, "I'm not mad. That's just my face."




Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Kids Are Gross (Recipe!)

Hey, come closer. I wanna tell you a secret.....

Kids are gross. Boy kids especially.


I know girls can do anything boys can do, including being disgusting. My sweet MIL not only watched all the precious little Lees while Hubs and I left the country and were trying to remember such things as, "hey, what was that last drink I had because I want another one of those," and "do you think it's time to put more sunscreen on?", but she also did it over Easter. She made sure the door was unlocked for the Easter Bunny, and then she had a party for everyone that was not us, at our house.

She is the cool grandma.

After life got back to normal and the guilt sunk in that we went on Spring Break without the kids and without doing the Spring cleaning first, I decided to maybe bust the carpet cleaner out and scrub the sofa in the TV room*. That is to say, Holy Mother of God I am so sorry to everyone who came to my dirty-ass house for Easter. It's a good thing Jesus forgives me, but I'm not sure you guys should.

*Also Hubs thinks it is hawwwwt when I clean and I do what I can to keep the romance alive.

This is a process that is undertaken in steps, never cleaning more seats than would leave still dry the right number of seats for current asses in the house because math. Eventually though, everything gets a turn.

I started with the ottoman because for some reason that piece catches the brunt of everything. But before I started in on the other sections, I sauntered into the front room, that living room that if you were just walking by the house, or rang our doorbell to try to sell us newspapers or books because otherwise your host family will send you back to Estonia, you would think that in a normal home this might be the "nice living room", or the "sitting room". The one where kids aren't allowed and it's just for grownups.

Not in this house.

Here is our "front living room" under normal, routine usage:


It's also the site of all pillow/blanket forts, most Nerf wars, silent reading, not silent fart contests, and the parking lot for ToddlerBandit's entire fleet of vehicles.

The couch came with the house, and is in pretty good shape, except for when my kids do what-in-the-everloving-Hell it is that they do to make it look like this:




Srsly. WTF is happening here?
So I cleaned it. With this recipe:


Vinegar
Dawn dish soap
Downy fabric softener
Peroxide
Enough hot water to dissolve things so a spray bottle wouldn't clog

I filled a spray bottle with part of this and the cleaning solution bottle of my carpet shampooer with the rest.

Oh, you wanted measurements? Sorry.

  • Not too much Dawn or you'll never rinse it out.
  • Just enough Downy that the fabric isn't stiff when you're done.
  • Everything else is dependent on how much I have left, for example Clayton biffed it in the canyon Sunday and I used up some of the peroxide cleaning the gashing wounds on his face, so I used part of what was left, leaving some for later.

You know....eyeball it. Doesn't everyone cook that way? Hmmmm. Maybe why this isn't normally a cooking blog.

Moving on.

I sprayed the entire cushions from the spray bottle, the stainiest parts in particular. Then I shampooed with the upholstery attachment on the high traffic setting, then ran just water over it twice. And sucked. And sucked. Aaaaaand sucked.

Then I dumped out the collection basin in the sink and threw up until I was dead because ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

And now they look like this:



And now nobody is allowed to sit on them ever again in their lives or I will kill them.

Just kidding.

I have done the alcohol thing before because it's supposed to dry faster or whatever because you're not using water but I wasn't as impressed with that to be honest. Maybe it's just because there's no clean like the clean that is dumping out a bucket of mud when you're done. I should have just drank the alcohol at a measurement consistent with however much is necessary to not give a shit how dirty your couch is.

I would never trade our gross weird kids (or other peoples' kids who add to the stew) for a clean house, but it's nice to have like five minutes of booger-free surroundings once in a while.

What's your secret go-to cleaning solution?

Monday, May 8, 2017

Trippy

Remember that time I freed up all the space for pictures before our trip?


We need to talk about that.


First off, it was amazing. All of it. No parts of it sucked.


We took this camera bag/backpack that has our camera and video camera all through seventy million airports and customs and whatnot and took exactly eleven less pictures than we did when we went to Jamaica.


That is to say: Zero.


In Jamaica the camera glitched eleven pictures into our vacation. This time, I don't know, I guess we were just too lazy.


Lucky for you, who follow me here or other places, I'm not one of those annoying people who posts every picture of everything on my vacation. No. This vacation? I took five on my phone. I thought I took four but I was scrolling through my phone yesterday and found an extra. Are you ready?




Idaho Potato. We travelled a bajillion miles to eat a tuber from the Gem State. That is all.





My view just about every single day. I am an expert at doing nothing. My consulting services are available. Call for prices.
 

Hubs was being annoying and made me take his picture. That drink is called an Avalanche, and is blended margarita mix in a beer. I thought they were disgusting but it's a good way to keep your beer cold.


Random poster in a restaurant that had the word "Clayton" on it, so I snapped this and texted it to him at probably 3am or something. He didn't respond. :( It also says "Seamen" but he was too young to get the joke until this week when they had the talk/video at school.


I found this in my phone yesterday and literally had no recollection of having taken it. For a minute I didn't even know who it was. I asked Hubs about it. He said "Yeah. That was the day we got super drunk and I showed you how to use your Snapchat," which totally makes sense now. I am including it mainly for the pleasure of my in-laws who claim to "never have seen me drunk," and who say they "would like to see what that looks like". Apparently this is what that looks like. Also I still don't know how to use Snapchat.

Luckily there is this thing called the internet where you can find actual pictures of the things we saw and did because TBH Barbados is a really small island and the stuff that's there isn't going anywhere anytime soon. Also our travel mate took a shit ton of pictures of every damn thing, so let me know what particular thing you would like to see such as a tree or a flower or a bird or a piece of sand, and I will have her locate it in her photography index.

Here are some things we saw:



The Cornwallis shipwreck in Carlisle Bay. Our guide tried to tell us this was from Pirates of the Caribbean, but it was actually a Canadian ship that got torpedoed by a German U-Boat in WWII. The above-water view looked like this:




If you know me, you know snorkeling was a HUUUUUGE deal for me. I pretended that I wasn't scared to death but to be honest it was probably the three liquor-laden coffees I had in the morning before we left that allowed me to do it without losing my shit. The minute I hit the water someone yelled gleefully, "Oh loooooook! There's a SHARK!"


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.


I have never been so thankful that my stupid uterus took a brief break from sapping me of all my iron deposits in my life.


But don't worry. That shark? It turned out to only be a barracuda.


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.


Other than that my mask kept fogging up on me and the strap on my vest kept brushing up against my leg and freaking me out, I had a good time. Everyone really just wanted to see these guys:




Turtles. That they kept telling everyone not to touch but I was like, "no shit. I'm not touching that thing. And that thing also better not touch me."


We saw the Coast Guard ship, and it didn't make me feel better about their rescue abilities, because the ship looked like this:




#trustyRusty


And the crew looked like this:






Which made complete sense after we met the local cops and found out they pretty much just work drunk all day can have two drinks per shift and would like you to make that happen please and thank you.




We also saw a Sea Horse like this:




But he was probably just training for all the water on the track at this year's Kentucky Derby, now that I think of it.


We drank a LOT and ate a lot of great food including sushi almost every night. Hubs got in a little kerfuffle with the host at the Japanese restaurant over our reservations, which were under our name, and he was disappointed that we were not Asian, then acted like he thought we were stealing someone else's spot.


We weren't. Calm down. We get that a lot.


Overall, it was a fantastic trip. We missed the kids, but we were able to facetime them everyday before doing crazy things like laying in bed and watching Willy Wonka and an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie marathon.

I can't wait to do it again.



Friday, April 7, 2017

Pre-Trip Tips and Tricks

It's not a big secret that the Hubs and I are preparing to embark on our first trip away from the kids since SecondKid™ was two years old. Today that kid is in Canada hitting the ice in big-boy hockeylandia in a size youth large warm up jacket.

These drinks are long overdue.


I.KNOW.

So naturally, every Goddamn thing on the planet has to happen all at once and I'm preparing the best way I can: going day by day and flying by the seat of my pants, and remembering to make note of no more than three things at a time that I dutifully load in the notes app on my phone so I can strategically mark them off as complete.

Let me pass along a couple tips from today's to-do list that will help you prepare for your next vacation.

To-do item #1: Replace the Battery in that Smoke Detector that won't STFU


This item is a "bonus" item as you didn't really plan it, but it showed up anyway. Wonder why the batteries only seem to go dead when Hubs is away. Wonder which one of those sonsabitches it is because it really sounded like it was that one last time but now you're not sure. Make FirstKid™ and ThirdKid™ sit criss-cross applesauce on the floor under each one until they can tell you where the chirping is coming from. Cry when they successfully locate it in one of the rooms that has ceilings taller than the boost the bar stool will give you.

Locate the shorter of the two ladders in the shop. Do this after you retrieve the garbage can, basketball, cushion storage box, smoker, and related accessories from around your yard and your neighbor's flowerbeds. Stupid wind storm.

Try not to break your neck or put any holes in the wall. Decide Hubs is getting a 6-foot ladder for his birthday.

To-do item #2: Spray Tan


Decide that you want one last even-ing out of your skin before you stuff your carcass into a swimsuit because tan fat looks better than pale fat and also because you have a hard time keeping all of your jiggly bits contained in any amount of lycra, and your travel mate SUCKS at telling you when one of your tits has escaped. Decide to do it Friday because that's when the tanning place has a discount on spray tans. Realize you're unsure whether it's for a quick spray in the automatic booth or a human shooting a hose at you. Decide you better wear underwear just in case.

When you arrive, realize it is for the automatic booth. Decide against putting the underwear back on after the spray because you'd rather not get spray tan on them, even though earlier you were fully prepared to sacrifice them in the spirit of sparing another human's eyes from witnessing your entire lady garden. Put them in your purse.

To-do item #3: Replacement Razor Blades


Try to remember the last time you bought replacement blades for your razor and come up short. Realize this may be the reason your current blade sucks. Realize you will probably be shaving your legs more in the next 10 days than you have in the last 10 years. Proceed to Walgreens.

Be thankful they still make replacement blades for your antique razor. Proceed to the checkout. Flounder with the machine where you input your phone number and be silently disgusted to realize you only have 7,000,000 loyalty points to go until you will get a $5 coupon. Attempt to retrieve your debit card, and slowly watch as your card holder catches your sunglasses which catch on your previously unneeded underwear and launch them into the air. Listen to the 100-year-old man cashier tell you to wait until the light appears to swipe your card. Walk your bra-less and brown speckled body to the car while dying a thousand deaths even though you know you are not even close to being the weirdest thing at Walgreens.

To-do item #4: Free Up Space on your Phone for Vacation Pictures


Think back to the last time you tried to take a picture of your adorable kids and your phone said "not enough storage to take picture," or other nonsense things like "this phone has not been backed up in 86 weeks". Plug your phone into the computer to transfer pictures. Complete this with only mild difficulty. Watch as iTunes hijacks your process and attempts to sync your phone. Notice while waiting for it to restart that iTunes has automatically logged into your husband's account. Don't think much of it because he is the one in charge of all things tech and entertainment. Notice it syncing a lot of apps you don't have. Like, holy shit that's a lot of apps but ok I'm sure it will be fine.

Delete most of your emails, including the 2,600 unread ones while you're waiting via a secondary access point. Hockey season is over and you don't really need to keep those 829 notifications of when every practice was.

Walk your phone through the restart welcome screen. Be slightly confused when it tells you that you have entered the wrong appleID and password. Notice that the screen on your phone looks exactly like your husband's phone screen. Realize you just turned your phone into your husband's phone.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Text your husband who is currently in ANOTHER COUNTRY from your kid's iPod and hope to Hell you didn't just screw up his phone. Realize you did not. Read his 80,000,000 texts asking you why you have done such a dumbfuck thing, respond that you don't know.

Because you really don't know. That is why he is in charge of all things tech and entertainment.

Attempt to recover an older version. Pick from the following list of options to locate your phone:

iPhone
iPhone (2)
Jason's phone
Jason's phone (2)
Jason's iPhone
Jason's iPhone (2)
Phone
Phone (2)
iPad
iPod
iPod (2)
Jason's iPod
Jason's iPod (2)

Wonder why those assholes at Verizon didn't just name ONE of those things something like, oh I dunno..."HEATHER'S GODDAMN PHONE".

Remember your two flights sitting next to DoucheBag McGhee and know exactly why they don't have any common sense at all.

Watch the progress bar hit the end of the third attempt just as the power goes out because of the Godforsaken wind today.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Explain to your kid just like you do every time the power goes out that no, you do not know what time it will be back on and that no, you doubt the xbox will work even for games that don't take wifi, and that yes, you can still flush the toilet so calm down with your nervous poops.

Try again when power is restored and still have no luck. Revert to factory settings. Feel super accomplished because you now have almost ALL your storage space free. You might have zero contacts, you might have zero evidence of texts or proof that you told your kid's teacher the plan for next week, but you now have plenty of space for pictures.

I love getting my to-do list done.



Thursday, March 16, 2017

Book Review! Going Green by Heather S. Ransom




You guys. I have tried for like a week to do this book review and I'm too stupid. It's obvious I'll never write a book. Not like Heather Ransom, anyway.

So, disclaimer. Heather is, to start, a Heather - so I am biased.

She is also my sister-in-law's sister-in-law. So I got a super sneak-peak advanced copy, but, you know - it was electronic.

And you know how I am with the electronical things. So here we go.

Heather Ransom managed to tackle a slew of issues in one YA fiction that's just begging for a sequel. Tech. Environmental issues. Weird new ear buds. Politics. Young love. Changing yourself for others. Popularity. Privilege. Racism. Elitism. Media manipulation. Government and police corruption.

She takes us through the first brown-then-green eyes of Calyssa Brentwood, who is 18 and has chosen to "Go Green", something that was a no-brainer, since her father's in charge at the sprawling secretive complex where they're perfecting humans since a virus hit the plants. They've decided to take out the middle man, and the most efficient people only need sunlight, water, and nutrient shakes.

She doesn't have much worry in her protected life until Spring Break takes her out of her element to a farm, leaving her exposed to danger. Who are the rebels who visit the farm with guns? Are they there to protect her friends? Or are they really behind the terrorist attacks in the news?

Ransom has been working on this story for a long time, telling and retelling, refining with the help of her students. She teaches in Oregon. Who knew that fiction so long in the making would be so relevant today?

It's like a bonus episode of Black Mirror. It's a great book with a strong, smart female lead.

I loved it.

You can preorder on Amazon here. It goes on sale March 21st. I'm hoping to snag a signed copy to give away. If I can, leave a comment here or on the Fakebooks (if we're friends) or the Instantgrams (if we're not) to say GREEN IS GREAT to be entered. I'll draw on my birthday for a winner.