Monday, November 19, 2012

He Doesn't Love You Unless...


The following post should NOT be read by any man, particularly any who are married/in a relationship with any of my friends.  I will not be held responsible for any adverse outcome of people/person(s) not heeding this warning.


So if you didn't notice the abrupt shift in advertising from a mucky stew of political ads to holiday deals....then you DVR everything like I do.

One particular category always gets my attention: Diamonds.

No, not in a good way, not in the shallow manner you'd expect from a vagina owner.  In a much more realistic, pseudo-pessimistic way that you should expect from THIS vagina owner.  Staring at the screen I wonder: do these guys really think that I'm going to whither away convinced my man doesn't love me if he doesn't immediately run to the nearest jewelry store to collect and have his most willing female relative/coworker wrap for me this season's hottest "tell her you love her" sparkly treasure?

But it does work.  A lot.  It always has.  De Beers and their "A Diamond Is Forever" campaign (which they came out with in 1947) is considered the BEST advertising slogan of the 20th century.  Problem was...once you got that diamond....not a lot of other diamonds followed.  What to do?

Got it.  Make up some ridiculous NEW shape/configuration to convince people that last year's jewelry purchase has lost the love luster that it once had.  Tell her your love for her "has no end" her an eternity ring or pendant (or a matching set!).

It's a circle.

Reflect on the path your relationship has taken with a journey pendant...tiny diamonds representing your beginning together and slowly taper and swirl into a big diamond to represent the two of you today, sitting on the couch, wondering how many months it will take to pay this off.

Eric, you're a douche, but she'll still love it.

How about a trilogy ring?  Acknowledge your love's past, present, and future with that one.

Even especially if you're an NBA player,
she's gonna know you just cheated on her.

Even Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman got into the jewelry biz with her "keep an open heart" collection.  When the line for women was exhausted they started suggesting you buy them for little girls, too.  The REAL irony of this one is that this past February (right after Valentine's Day) Jane Seymour came clean about the actual origin of her design inspiration.

You're gonna regret this tattoo selection in a minute, trust me.

“The design originated with one of my paintings,” Seymour had said truthfully. On Thursday she admitted that her painting had absolutely nothing to do with hearts.

“I was painting my husband, James,” Seymour said in her trademark British accent. “And when I came across his ballsack . . . the elegance of the motion of the brush on the canvas just struck me as remarkable. I became obsessed with painting just the ballsack,” she said. She began experimenting with her strokes and, over time, the ‘Open Hearts’ design, as you know and love it today, evolved.

Kinda makes you gag at the thought of draping one of THOSE around your little girl's neck now, doesn't it??

Love not enough to convince you?  For the single (or sass-mouth) ladies, you MUST buy a "right hand ring" it for yourself (who needs a MAN??) and wear it as a symbol of your independence.

That's still not your right hand,
but we get the picture, lady.

This trickery is not limited to diamonds.  A few years back Italian charm bracelets were pretty popular in this same Chamilia seems to be the prevalent charm bracelet setup.

And in this mix lies my poor husband....who likely longs for something as simple as a sparkly bauble to shut me up during the holidays.  Who wishes his wife could be "normal" like the rest of them who ooh and ahhh over something shiny.

Sorry honey, you're going to have to try WAY harder than that.

This is not to say that I didn't swoon over every diamond he's given me.  It's just that they were super-charged with emotion and not given willy-nilly.  I remember the exact moment their light hit my eyes, but even more so the light in his eyes across the table from me.  It was NOT, however, any of these trendy must-have ways to say "I love you."  It was much classier, traditional, and given to me while my hair was still wet from a much needed shower and I was in a bathrobe and hospital slipper-socks.  THAT is love.

In fact, we're headed back to that same spot soon...though I would never expect a repeat of that gift, it does make me reflect on the one that was given then....which I haven't taken off since.