|These drinks are long overdue.|
So naturally, every Goddamn thing on the planet has to happen all at once and I'm preparing the best way I can: going day by day and flying by the seat of my pants, and remembering to make note of no more than three things at a time that I dutifully load in the notes app on my phone so I can strategically mark them off as complete.
Let me pass along a couple tips from today's to-do list that will help you prepare for your next vacation.
To-do item #1: Replace the Battery in that Smoke Detector that won't STFU
This item is a "bonus" item as you didn't really plan it, but it showed up anyway. Wonder why the batteries only seem to go dead when Hubs is away. Wonder which one of those sonsabitches it is because it really sounded like it was that one last time but now you're not sure. Make FirstKid™ and ThirdKid™ sit criss-cross applesauce on the floor under each one until they can tell you where the chirping is coming from. Cry when they successfully locate it in one of the rooms that has ceilings taller than the boost the bar stool will give you.
Locate the shorter of the two ladders in the shop. Do this after you retrieve the garbage can, basketball, cushion storage box, smoker, and related accessories from around your yard and your neighbor's flowerbeds. Stupid wind storm.
Try not to break your neck or put any holes in the wall. Decide Hubs is getting a 6-foot ladder for his birthday.
To-do item #2: Spray Tan
Decide that you want one last even-ing out of your skin before you stuff your carcass into a swimsuit because tan fat looks better than pale fat and also because you have a hard time keeping all of your jiggly bits contained in any amount of lycra, and your travel mate SUCKS at telling you when one of your tits has escaped. Decide to do it Friday because that's when the tanning place has a discount on spray tans. Realize you're unsure whether it's for a quick spray in the automatic booth or a human shooting a hose at you. Decide you better wear underwear just in case.
When you arrive, realize it is for the automatic booth. Decide against putting the underwear back on after the spray because you'd rather not get spray tan on them, even though earlier you were fully prepared to sacrifice them in the spirit of sparing another human's eyes from witnessing your entire lady garden. Put them in your purse.
To-do item #3: Replacement Razor Blades
Try to remember the last time you bought replacement blades for your razor and come up short. Realize this may be the reason your current blade sucks. Realize you will probably be shaving your legs more in the next 10 days than you have in the last 10 years. Proceed to Walgreens.
Be thankful they still make replacement blades for your antique razor. Proceed to the checkout. Flounder with the machine where you input your phone number and be silently disgusted to realize you only have 7,000,000 loyalty points to go until you will get a $5 coupon. Attempt to retrieve your debit card, and slowly watch as your card holder catches your sunglasses which catch on your previously unneeded underwear and launch them into the air. Listen to the 100-year-old man cashier tell you to wait until the light appears to swipe your card. Walk your bra-less and brown speckled body to the car while dying a thousand deaths even though you know you are not even close to being the weirdest thing at Walgreens.
To-do item #4: Free Up Space on your Phone for Vacation Pictures
Think back to the last time you tried to take a picture of your adorable kids and your phone said "not enough storage to take picture," or other nonsense things like "this phone has not been backed up in 86 weeks". Plug your phone into the computer to transfer pictures. Complete this with only mild difficulty. Watch as iTunes hijacks your process and attempts to sync your phone. Notice while waiting for it to restart that iTunes has automatically logged into your husband's account. Don't think much of it because he is the one in charge of all things tech and entertainment. Notice it syncing a lot of apps you don't have. Like, holy shit that's a lot of apps but ok I'm sure it will be fine.
Delete most of your emails, including the 2,600 unread ones while you're waiting via a secondary access point. Hockey season is over and you don't really need to keep those 829 notifications of when every practice was.
Walk your phone through the restart welcome screen. Be slightly confused when it tells you that you have entered the wrong appleID and password. Notice that the screen on your phone looks exactly like your husband's phone screen. Realize you just turned your phone into your husband's phone.
Text your husband who is currently in ANOTHER COUNTRY from your kid's iPod and hope to Hell you didn't just screw up his phone. Realize you did not. Read his 80,000,000 texts asking you why you have done such a dumbfuck thing, respond that you don't know.
Because you really don't know. That is why he is in charge of all things tech and entertainment.
Attempt to recover an older version. Pick from the following list of options to locate your phone:
Jason's phone (2)
Jason's iPhone (2)
Jason's iPod (2)
Wonder why those assholes at Verizon didn't just name ONE of those things something like, oh I dunno..."HEATHER'S GODDAMN PHONE".
Remember your two flights sitting next to DoucheBag McGhee and know exactly why they don't have any common sense at all.
Watch the progress bar hit the end of the third attempt just as the power goes out because of the Godforsaken wind today.
Explain to your kid just like you do every time the power goes out that no, you do not know what time it will be back on and that no, you doubt the xbox will work even for games that don't take wifi, and that yes, you can still flush the toilet so calm down with your nervous poops.
Try again when power is restored and still have no luck. Revert to factory settings. Feel super accomplished because you now have almost ALL your storage space free. You might have zero contacts, you might have zero evidence of texts or proof that you told your kid's teacher the plan for next week, but you now have plenty of space for pictures.