Saturday, February 25, 2017

Bag Lady

Can we talk purses for a minute?

I cleaned mine out today, and I'm trying to establish whether:

  1. I may make other women (or men - no judgment) feel normal
  2. Other women (or men - no judgment) may make me feel like I'm normal
My purse - that giant grey bag that looks like it might have been made from an entire elephant's worth of skin, except that it's probably "vegan leather" or something. It's Nine West, and I can't remember but very likely got it at TJ Maxx for no more than 40 bucks. I'm not a purse snob, and I'll never have anything by Coach or that is otherwise covered in logos like LV or anything else of significant value. My main criteria for a purse is that it has to look semi-professional for business travel, fit a book, and be booger-proof and wipeable with baby wipes, those miracle cloths that get shit off your kid and any literal thing else off of any other literal thing you don't want that whatever it is to be on anymore.

A friend recently did a clean-out and copped to her apparent addiction to Chap Stick. So I thought I'd gut mine and take a good hard look at the absurdities, all in one place. Here's a rundown of the contents, most of which admittedly found their way back into that black hole, because, it turns out, I actually need most of this shit all the time.

  • Three smaller purses. Yes. Inside my purse are other purses. This is the only way I can keep things straight. I sort of categorize things in the smaller purses so they don't get lost in that cavernous space. One is designated for ID and money and whatnot so that I can grab it out to not pack that monstrosity into places where it would be a pain to drag, or where there's a "bag inspection" line so other participants don't glare at me like I'm packing a shotgun in there or otherwise holding up the line for no apparent reason.
  • One each of a black glove from two different pairs. They're both black so it's ok.
  • Card holders. Credit/Debit cards, ID, store cards, business cards. Every card except the Queen of Hearts.
  • Two packages of tooth floss
  • One each lip balm, chap stick, and lipstick
  • Ear plugs
  • Hand sanitizer
  • Shampoo, conditioner, and lotion from our last hotel stay. One of our hockey moms collects these items for crisis kits for kids and families from her school. I've been meaning to give them to her for a week.
  • Ten bandaids because last time I cut Hubs' hair I butchered my knuckle and that sonofabitch would NOT stop bleeding.
  • Ten different options for periods, because my uterus likes to surprise me.
  • One normal size hairbrush with one hair tie
  • One tiny hairbrush with one hair tie
  • Two teabags - one mint and one peach
  • Three packages of magnesium powder
  • One honey bear
  • A fork
  • Pill crusher - which I use for crushing chicken bullion cubes because I'm too impatient to wait for them to dissolve.
  • 79 cents. The only real cash in there.
  • Lemon gum, which I have no idea why I even buy because chewing gum makes my jaw hurt and gives me a headache, and the artificial sweeteners give me a headache and tear up my guts.
  • Gonzaga ticket from the game against San Fran that put them at 27-0 for the season (thanks to a very generous brother-in-law - THANKS ERICK!!)
  • Sunglasses case
  • Eye glasses
  • Sunglasses
  • Backup sunglasses
  • One Cars PullUp with the side panel torn out in a panic to wipe a snotty nose
  • Miscellaneous unused napkins in case someone wants to wipe their nose with not-a-PullUp
  • One Army guy
  • A rubber bracelet
  • One bouncy ball
  • Two colors of post-it notes
  • Ten pens and markers
  • Five cough drops
  • Enough Dramamine to choke a donkey
  • Methylated vitamin B because my stupid cells won't absorb regular vitamin B
  • Purse hanger that I lost in my in-laws' driveway once but then my FIL plowed snow with the tractor and found it
And that's it. Very little of this didn't go right back in. I plan to get rid of the travel-size Bath and Body Works items TODAY, but in reality I will likely forget and continue schlepping those around for another month. Maybe the person I need to give them to will read this and remind me because - obviously I am either prepared for EVERYTHING or I am a hoarder.

What about you? What's in your purse? More than this? Less than this? What's the weirdest thing that you're willing to admit that you've been packing around in public this way?

1 comment:

  1. Hey, at least you'll be prepared for the apocalypse or an army of angry children? I have the very basics in my purse, which is the size of a fanny pack. I refused to carry stuff for people other than myself