Giving Up Grandpa

I will soon have to change the "about me" section of my blog.  The thing that half defined my existence is changing, morphing, moving on.

My mother, who unfortunately seems to be exhibiting more and more of those genetic symptoms of dementia that claimed my grandmother's soul has dropped a proverbial bomb on us.  I knew that having her and my dad under one roof gave us the best chance at fending off their spending any of their last days, however many that may be, in a nursing facility.  Life got to the point where Dad could no longer take care of their yard and Mom could no longer get on her knees to scrub the floors.  When we were at a crossroads where our little family was outgrowing our tiny home we decided, my husband and I, to make the plunge into an even bigger home in order to move these two in with us.

It was an unbelievably moving and unselfish decision for my husband, who is very particular about the order (and cleanliness) of things, to take on this responsibility that was entirely mine and not his.  He could have at any point said, "you can move in with them, by yourself...but count me out."  There were times when I knew his patience was running as thin as mine but we both came together as a team to make it work...in our minds it was the right thing to do.  We struggled sometimes to focus enough to not take our frustrations out on one another....my sleepless nights of getting up with my dad when he buzzed the intercom, the challenge of never really having a private conversation without an eavesdropper who may twist your words before repeating them...our communication with each other suffered.

So when my mother announced very recently that they wanted to move back to their old place, their house which had not yet sold, I was immediately and overwhelmingly concerned for their safety.  All the things I had done and put in place to watch over them were now out of my control.  My dad's prescriptions being bubble-packed after I found out she had dumped out all of one prescription and replaced it with aspirin (he's already ON blood thinners, he really dodged a bullet there), my husband volunteering for the crappiest shift at work so that he could be home during the day while I was working in order to take them on errands if they asked (she didn't want to ask), the fact that neither of them should be driving (though on occasion I would find out that my mom had sneaked behind the wheel)...all these things that I had some semblance of control over are way beyond my control now, and I'm very concerned for them both.

One of the last months they were at their old house my dad called me at 5 in the morning to come scoop my mom up off the kitchen floor where she had blacked out from a (still) yet-to-be-actually-diagnosed seizure disorder, and his frail arms couldn't get a grip on her.  At least if they were in my home, nobody was really more than a holler away from being able to help.  Our new neighborhood is also home to 3 nurses on different sides of us, all of whom I quickly got up to speed on our unique living situation and warned them that my kids were going to be far more likely to come ringing their doorbell for help than calling 911.

Every time he's in the hospital, staff there plans to discharge him to a nursing facility where he's adamant about not going.  I have fought for and advocated and dragged him out when my mom failed to let them know that they don't live alone, that they have younger able-bodied family at home to assist them.

Now, my mom says, she thinks she's the only one who does anything for my dad.  It was the ultimate kick in the balls.  We have walked a fine line between giving them their freedom and independence by letting them do what they can, and helping when they ask (or we find that they need it).  She got to the point where she couldn't recall me telling her I was leaving town for work, so would promptly get on the phone to let other family members know that I "never tell her" where I'm going.

She and I have had a very rocky past - my teenage years were something I'd never go back and repeat.  Our age difference along with a very different genetic makeup put up all kinds of walls between us.  Even still, caring for them in my home, ensuring that some home health visitor wouldn't find that they were in over their heads to take care of their own place and recommend one or both of them should be put in a home....it just was never a question for me.  When I was young and needed parents, they didn't think about it twice.  Now it was my turn to step up.

Old age does funny things to a person's mind.  Unfortunately, she's still maintaining that she's in charge of her own decisions....which to some degree she is, but she's really made some questionable decisions in the past year.  I'm anticipating, however, that it will only take until my dad's next trip to the hospital that he'll be in a nursing home, and I won't have the resources to bail him out again.  I won't have an extra bedroom for him.  We will have to move back into our too-tiny house and sell this roomy home to another family.

She is very private about 'airing our dirty laundry', and for the most part I've kept silent about the trials we've faced.  Knowing this blog entry even exists would put her over the edge.  There was a time, about a year ago, when she initially started "thinking" about moving back, that a series of comments I made on my Facebook page were printed out for her by a family member, and she quickly, albeit erroneously, took the comments to be about her and not the actual unnamed person I was venting frustrations about.  Instead of asking me about it to clarify, she lodged in her head like many many inaccuracies before, that I was talking about her, and she based forthcoming decisions and behaviors on that belief.  It's beyond any feeble attempt at explanation how difficult it can be for the sandwich generation, those caring for children and aging parents.  It's extra difficult because due to our vast age difference my 'peers' for this situation are in their 50's....also not folks who speak my language.

So how are we going to move forward from here?  I don't know.  I know that I must take this time to focus on my husband, who has been on my back burner now for too long, and on my children, with whom my temper runs shorter than it should because I worry about everyone in the house.  My parents will move back to their old house, which they still intend to sell (though I've asked and not gotten an answer as to what their plan is/where they'll GO after that happens), we will move, and hopefully someone will come forward to fill this newly empty home with love.  Though I fully expect those who have never been in my dad's room with me at two in the morning in their undies sleepily loading a nebulizer to be quick to criticize me for "giving up on Grandpa", it's the ones who know me best who know I did the best I could in this situation, and know how it scares the Bajeezus out of me to let these two go back to being on their own.  Only they know how I will struggle to come to terms with this new development.

I will say that I never could imagine a better partner to be stuck in the middle of these two generations with than my husband, who has been amazingly patient and kind and understanding and supportive about my wish to keep my parents healthy, happy, and uninstitutionalized.  It's a passage that most couples our age don't have to go through, and it has the potential to really ruin a marriage.  I believe that in our short time together we've gone through so much that any issues for us in the future will be much easier to handle...and I'm grateful that my children have gotten to witness parents who work together through problems and know that it's not at all unusual to care for an elder in your home...I'm sort of banking on it actually, since I REALLY want to just live with them for the rest of my life.

If anyone is looking for advice in dealing with their own aging parents or grandparents, don't ask me...I'm no expert.  I'm not even a decent amateur.  Nobody is, and if they tell you they are, they're full of shit.  I don't know what "the best way" is.  I just know that I wish things had turned out differently here, because I fear for what actuality lies before us.

Globe Trotting Lee Style

We're back from our Spring Break vacation, and I am exhausted.  Like some years before, we've been fortunate enough to spend that time with friends that we love like (sometimes more than?) family, and as usual the time went by far too quickly.  We, like many families, spent a good portion of our time at the beach.  However, normal families spend Spring Break at beaches that require a swim suit.  We've never claimed to be normal, so obviously chose to go to a Godforsakenly frigid area where we had to bundle up.  There's nothing quite like no sand between your toes, especially when you can't feel your toes from the cold.

Kidding.  The typical unpredictable weather for the Oregon Coast proved in our favor, only raining sideways when we were conveniently inside the warmth of our rental condo having breakfast and planning our next outing.  The sun seemed to know that our combined brood of nine couldn't stay cooped up too long and gave us just enough reprieve to enjoy ourselves.

God, it feels good to be a gangster.

Our busy and curious children explored and climbed and touched and prodded, and I proudly left my hand sanitizer behind.  They were very careful and gentle with some of the specimens they found...

....and others, not so much.  Esten kicked this poor fella all up and down the beach mistaking it for a rock until he asked me what it was:

Gwoth, Mom....thoooooo gwooooth.

We also got lesson after lesson in history and despite our best efforts, we just can't seem to avoid extremes in our lives.  We live in the shadow of North America's deepest river gorge (suck it, Grand Canyon), and already got to ride the world's longest gondola during our mini-winter-weekend getaway recently.  Our list just gets longer with this trip with the addition of crossing over the D River, the shortest river in the world (at 440 feet one must ask why Lincoln City's engineers couldn't figure out a way to NOT have to cross it).

We visited this lighthouse, which doesn't hold any records until you're half way up the steps, then you'll swear it's the tallest freaking building in the world:

Correction: Tallest lighthouse in Oregon.
Son.Of.A.Bitch.
Also....probably haunted.

The only two in our family that are excited about all the steps.

Once safely back outside, Esten insisted that the whale-watching telescope was much more effective for staring into the deepest parts of the universe.  So deep into the universe, in fact, that he felt that was the explanation for total blackness when he put his eye to the lens:

I'm serious, Mom....I can see
the way far away part
of the universe.

We visited the associated "Discovery Center" and were greeted outside the front doors by our guide, who promptly and with an indescribable enthusiasm drew our attention to a peregrine falcon who had made an appearance that day.  The guide, who conjured up recollections of Will Ferrell channelling Janet Reno almost lost her wig, either from the wind or from her head bobbing around and her arms flailing about as she tripped over her own tongue.  She could not emphasize to us enough how rare a peregrine falcon sighting was, and she didn't think we were really absorbing the magnitude of how significantly our lives would be changed from this moment forward.  She returned to the front of the building several times while we were at the center to check on the status of the bird.  She said "Peregrine Falcon" so many times that it became a running joke of sorts after we got back in the car.  Lucky for you, we recently purchased a zoom lens and Hubs was able to snap this pic, though that testy bitchy bird would NOT look at the camera.

Soak it in, people - you'll probably die and never see
one of these in your life.

Yet another record breaker for our roster.  This peach is sometimes referred to as the fastest animal on the planet (you thought it was a cheetah didn't you, stupid?) during its hunting dive where it will hit its prey at speeds up to 200 (TWO FREAKING HUNDRED) miles per hour.  What a bad ass.

The real joke here came after we got home and I realized, and now can't wait to share with our friends, that though it's not our State's bird (the Mountain Bluebird is), this is what the new 2007 Idaho Quarter looked like:

Yep Scot, that's a you-know-what.

We stopped at a waterpark on the way home, and wouldn't you know, they just happen to have the Spruce Goose there....the largest flying boat ever built, having the largest wingspan of any aircraft in history.  Double whammy.  Howard Hughes, thank you for being so bat-shit crazy.  Ironic fun fact...it was actually made out of birch, not spruce.

(photosfan.com)

When we got back my fellow mommy and I got a pedi day and a last minute lunch with ElliePie's Mom, MommaPie.  Ellie's a blogger that I've never met but through whose blog I've gotten to know, and MommaPie is a lovely lady, one of the few I've been lucky enough to have come into my life through that necessary evil sideline called work, but we kindled a special understanding and respect, and her friendship has been timeless and unconditional.  I hope every girl has a MommaPie or two in her life.

Through all the animals we saw, we only got up close and personal with one species....the seagulls.  Hands full of mini bagels, we tromped across the street to lure them in with our treats.  Guided by the advice and courage of a 9 year old boy and his 10 year old sister, I decided to show my children just how big their mommy's balls really were:

Mommy's balls are at least as big as a 10 year old girl's.

Esten decided he wanted to just eat the remainder of his bagel himself.  Once breadless, we wandered down the street and into a candy store for some saltwater taffy and caramel corn and while we were waiting in line, and the sunlight beamed in the tiny shop's window just right, Hubs and I caught one another's eyes and just stood there, time frozen.  I realized how even sometimes crazy flurries of hurriedness in vacation-land can recharge your soul when your children are there, and that here we, in tandem with another couple, were managing to pull off some pretty awesome memories with them.  He's an amazing father and I also realized how much I love him for making this critical time in our family's young life so special.  I knew he was thinking the same thing just by the look in his eye.  He didn't have to say anything to make the moment any more perfect for me but he did.

"Hey, Babe?  You have bird shit all down the side of your face.  You might wanna wipe that off."

Birthday Brain Teaser

Whether you like it or not, you have to share your birthday with other people.  Facebook informs us which of our friends share birthdays.  I often get a chuckle at my opposite-ends-of-the-spectrum friends whose escape from the womb celebration lands on the same day.  Media will remind you which celebrity you share a birthday with if you, like me, have not previously been scarred by the revelation during previous years.  Here are two of the celebs I have to share MY special day with:

(listas.20minutos.es)

(blogue.us)

Now, sorry to get all nerdy on you here, but it's my birthday and we're going to do a little math brain-teaser:  One of these gents is six million times more talented than the other two of us.  Two of us have children, though only one of us has birthed them out of a vagina.  Of all three, only one of us tries to avoid blowing dudes.

Please answer in the form of a question, but please do not make the question:

"Why are you being a hater?"

I'm totally not.  I LOVE GAYS.  Ask anyone.  Read some of my previous posts.

Moving on.

So this year really is the year that I'm feeling a little justice from the Universe for all the "You're too young" statements made in my youth by my parents.  All my classmates who hit this milestone birthday last year have moved on to the downhill slide to 40 and I finally felt a bit of neener-neener-ness when my dial slowly rolled over the midnight mark to 35.

HOWEVER.

It didn't last very long.  While I imagined in my younger and more tormented years that it would feel more worthwhile, I long ago had shed my hard-shell exterior that protected my inner squishy feelings, my sad and vulnerable and quick to be quite embarrassed fleshy soul.  I've already hashed out those thoughts with the people that mattered, so it didn't really matter any more.

So this coming year I'd like to focus on something different.  Did you know that on March 25, 1995, WikiWikiWeb, the World's very first Wiki[pedia] went public?  What a better way to find a new focus, or at least some random March 25th factoids:

• 1924 – On the anniversary of Greek Independence, Alexandros Papanastasiou proclaims the Second Hellenic Republic. (This would be in reference to the Greek Helen...you know, of Troy? My middle name is Helene and I find this very interesting).
• 1965 – Civil rights activists led by Martin Luther King, Jr. successfully complete their 4-day 50-mile march from Selma to the capitol in Montgomery, Alabama.
• 1996 – An 81-day-long standoff between the anti-government group Montana Freemen and law enforcement near Jordan, Montana, begins. (This was a huge deal and I remember like it was yesterday)
• 1996 – The European Union's Veterinarian Committee bans the export of British beef and its by-products as a result of mad cow disease (I don't really remember the mad cow disease issue being that same year, weird.)

Now, some NEW notable births, you know, besides my own:

• 1347 – Catherine of Siena, Italian saint
• 1539 – Christopher Clavius, German mathematician
• 1643 – Louis Moréri, French encyclopedist

These three alone must be the reason I am soooo nice and sooo smart.

• 1911 – Jack Ruby, killer of Lee Harvey Oswald
• 1918 – Howard Cosell, American sports reporter
• 1928 – Jim Lovell, American astronaut
• 1932 – Gene Shalit, American film critic
• 1942 – Aretha Franklin, American singer
• 1965 – Sarah Jessica Parker, American actress
• 1966 – Tom Glavine, American baseball player
• 1982 – Danica Patrick, American race car driver
• 1984 – Katharine McPhee, American singer and actress

And deaths that occurred on my day:

• 1999 – Cal Ripken, Sr., American baseball manager
• 2006 – Buck Owens, American singer and television personality (if you grew up on Hee Haw like me this is pretty devastating.)

Finally, some miscellaneous celebrations, which I would encourage you to double check if you think that you're being punked here:

It's Mother's Day in Slovenia, Struggle For Human Rights Day in Slovakia (which sound like the same thing to me), Maryland Day in Maryland, Waffle Day in Sweden, and what I may just believe is the Holy Mother of all holidays, the proof that I truly WAS born on the right square of the calendar: A holiday in the Roman Empire known as "Hilaria".  I don't know what the Hell it is.  I'm almost afraid to look it up for fear of ruining the laughter that's now stuck in my head.

Never mind....I looked it up....still laughing - they were celebrating the resurrection of a God who had gone mad and cut off his own.....well, not his ear.

So I guess the best gift I have this year is that the list of notable folks may not include me, but certainly I'm sure that between GoDaddy commercials and races, Danica's dying to see what bloggy-loser housewife was born before her, and Katharine McPhee, probably feeling down this year about her slow life around the set of SMASH is like, "I wish someone OLD would inspire me"....and they'll never know what they're missing out on.

Luckily, if my friends...my TRUE friends ever met them they'd tell them straight to their faces:  "Not much."

Keep Your Politics Out Of My Kitty

Let's face it, nobody really likes having to travel for anything other than vacation.  Being away from home sucks to begin with.  The preparation for what should have been relatively straight-forward arrangements seemed to morph into a gargantuan task that involved the help of no less than 6 people in 4 states and Obama's signature for air travel and hotel reservations for a two-night stay.

To make a really long, boring story short....when I checked in to the hotel they had NO record of my reservation, which I was able to email them a confirmation of from my laptop.  This should have been my first indication to leave and check myself into a hotel that had rooms possibly furnished in the last two centuries.  But I did not.  Instead I found myself muttering an actual prayer, hoping that God could hear it over the rumble of the antiquated wall heater:

My traveling Praying Mantis:
Helps me talk to Jesus and eats bedbugs.
More compact to pack than angel wings.
(Photo: Captain Suresh, Flickriver)

"Please God, do not let whomever is in the adjoining room get "curious" as to the integrity of the deadbolt on the door separating us, but if that stranger does, and if that stranger kills me in this shit hole of a hotel, please guide the police to find me quickly, and give them the wisdom to differentiate between me and the dead hooker who probably already exists in this room, either whole or in pieces, probably stuffed in that GOD FORSAKEN HEATER WHY IS IT MAKING THAT NOISE?!?!?!  And please let my alarm go off on time because I'm in a different time zone and I don't understand the alarm clock in this room.  Amen."

And God answered my prayer.  He reminded me that I have an alarm on my cell phone, so I set that instead.  Which was a good thing because the clock alarm never did go off.

My husband gave me a rash of crap for packing a swimsuit for this trip, which I proudly declared to him was "for the hot tub"....and is clearly not necessary at this point.  I really need to do better research on these things in the future.  I don't, however, think it's worth mentioning to them on the "comment card" that said dead hooker's blood spatter is on the tiled ceiling of the shower, I think....I'm pretty sure someone probably already knows that.

Also Screech from Saved By the Bell is working the front desk tonight and it's giving me the creeps....because the last thing I saw him on was Celebrity Fit Club and I'm pretty sure I heard he was doing porn before that.  I'm SO ready to go home.

To even BE in a hotel for me is a stretch in this town.  I typically stay with a friend, but she already had a guest, so this was next best thing.  She was nice enough, though, to pick me up at the airport and have dinner with me when I flew in.  We just had to make one stop in between to take a cat to the humane society to be neutered.  She had a feral cat near her house who had kittens last year, and this was one of said kittens.  She'd caught him in a trap earlier in the day, and while tromping across the parking lot and I was balancing the trap in my stronger arm...she whispered "When we get in there, remember: he's feral."

"No SHIT he's feral.  When you have to CATCH it in a TRAP, that's what it's called.  Just because you have a cute name for it does not make it domesticated."

She MAY be a crazy cat lady in a bit of denial.  No, she is, and I say that to her face, and I love her.  She has a heart that overflows for all things, including my children, and I can't fault her for that.  But holy bananas she gets into some interesting situations trying to do the right thing.  As infrequently as I come to this town, this makes the second cat-wrangling episode I've been involved in.  She got him checked in and all set for neutering, his trap lined up with a plethora of other cats (some people brought in 4 and 5 of those things), paid for his surgery and whatever other fees they had, and we set out the door for dinner.  If we were still hanging out at 8:30, she said, I could come with her to pick him up.

Uhhhh....Meme dude? That's a racoon. It's not even a POLE cat.
(quickmeme.com)

No thanks.  I wanted to be in bed by then.  Had I known I'd be staying in the hotel from The Shining, maybe I'd have felt differently.

So after catching up over some Olive Garden and hashing out my differences with the hotel staff, I'd settled in and resigned myself to my scary residence for the next 48 hours when my phone rang.  It was my dinner date, whose name my phone speaks aloud because her number is programmed in, but mispronounces because somehow I managed to use some German accent characters by accident.  It was weird that she'd be calling at all.

"Hello?"

"You're never gonna believe this.  I picked Smoky up.  First, he was a she.  Second, she was in a family way.  Can you beLIEVE it??!?!?!"

[silence, then uncontrollable laughing.]  "Of COURSE I believe it!  That is the awesomest thing ever.  So....is she....fixed?"

"Oh yeah."

"WHAT?????  OMIGOSH.  Well.  I certainly hope they did a transvaginal ultrasound and made her LOOK at the screen before they went through with her little kitty abortion.  Jesus.  You're SUCH a DEMOCRAT."

[More laughing, together.]

Then she told me she just HAD to tell me that before I went to bed.

And that's why I love her so much, and miss her in between the times that we don't get to see each other.  For the very outwardly differences in us we are kindred spirits in a way, and I've often said I'm so glad whatever planets lined up to bring us together did so, because I'm truly a better person for having her in my life.  As for how she's going to feel about all this?  All I can say is she knows me.  She had to know making that phone call last night and delivering that icing-on-the-cake news was making it into my blog.  That's how I roll.

Incidentally, political protesters were right in my path to get coffee (I was in a big rush to get back to my conference) shouting get-out-of-my-vagina-ish phrases when I also shared the gender-confused feline story with another colleague, who burst into laughter at a very inappropriate point in the crowd.

She was very embarrassed with herself....but continued laughing anyway.

And when I'm done with my business in this town, my dear friend and I will share another meal, and she will deposit me and my bag back at the airport, where it will again be painful to tell her goodbye, and I am thankful for that.  For truly, how many people come into your life that you care about so much that you really do look so forward to seeing, and the time goes too quickly and you long for your next visit?  They're few and precious and I hope mine know how much I love them.

Polar Bear Sex and Other Awkward Conversations

Last night I reached deep into my bag of tricks that I regularly rely on to lure boys into my bed.

Drugs and porn turned out to be just the ticket.

Not necessarily in a conventional sense, I suppose.  Not even boys in a conventional sense, I suppose, although my better half was at work and with more organization and time management I could have been making some cash on the side...but those who know me best know how utterly exhausted I am and how far I'd have to discount my rates because I just wouldn't have it in me to put forth the effort to lipstick-up enough to attract any decent paying customers.

No, the "drugs" were merely melatonin, the natural supplement I toss the riled-up childrens' way on those nights when it's imperative that they get their little fannies to sleep, nights like last night when a school morning would come far too early and struggling with them to go-to-bed-before-I-spank-you is a fight I've come to know far too well.

The porn was incidental...Daddy had recorded a special new movie for us....the Discovery Channel's Frozen Planet.  Right out of the gate, across the frozen polar ice caps tromped a polar bear who was, according to the narrator, on the hunt...but not for food.  He was looking for a mate.

Great.  I did not realize when Discovery was hyping up this series with its grandiose cinematographic artistry and awesome close-up coverage of whale blow-hole steam, they were going to go straight for the juiciness first thing.  Seriously people, WTF?

Clayton was squirming.  He wouldn't sit still.  He was trying to wedge himself between me and Esten, who had positioned himself comfortably in the middle of the bed while I was attempting to finish a book about evil twins....one that I've been working on a long time, but can't seem to get through because of my Offspringus Interruptus.  When he wasn't doing that he was jumping on the floor to take a bite of a cracker that I had forbidden him from bringing onto the bed due to crumb residue.  The child constantly claims to be "STAHVING TO DEAF".

The great white beast lumbered through the snow and found his lady-friend's foot prints...she was close.  He began to walk directly in her prints until he found her...Esten was wide-eyed.  My stomach twisted, then when they showed the two bears together, first walking side by side, then biting at each other, then....um......well....doing what polar bears do polar-bear-style, Esten blurts out:

"I know which one is the boy bear and which one is the girl bear!"

And in my head I go:

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE.  Where the Hell is your FATHER!?!?!?!  I have taken on like a thousand difficult situations with you little so-and-sos lately and it is HIS turn to deal with this!"

But when I open my mouth I say:

"Really?  Because the guy said the boy is twice as big as the girl?"

"No.  Because the boy is all dirty...because boys are always screwing around in the dirt and mud and getting all messy and girls stay nice and clean, see?  She is still all white, because girls are just good and have tea parties and stuff."

"Hmmm...I suppose that's one way to tell, yeah."

So I was so blindsided I didn't even have the energy to point out the fact that he's got girl cousins and friends who totally like to do "boy" things and get just as dirty as he does, and I was just trying to concentrate on getting the oxygen back into my lungs at that juncture.

The boy polar bear went on to fight several battles with other male suitors, and I did have to explain that "those guys" were "other dudes who also liked his girlfriend".  That poor polar bear got the crap knocked out of him for a couple weeks while he stayed with her before they finally said "Well, guess this is it....see you around", and parted ways.  He dragged his pummelled, bloody, skinny body off to find a meal and left her hopefully pregnant and on her own.

I felt sorry for him too...until I realized he just left her alone and never

paid a DIME in child support.  He was just showing off to get into her pants.

(Discovery.com)

THIS WAS THE PART MY CHILDREN WANTED AN EXPLANATION ABOUT.

"Why did he leave her?  Is he coming back?  Is he going to bring her some food?  Will he see the babies?"

Holy Hell.  Really?

Makes sense, though....in our zoos, they've created these fake little polar bear "families" that don't replicate nature at all.  My poor kiddos were so confused by the whole thing but they had completely NOT NOTICED THE HUMPING PART.

Then, a reprieve for me....a different animal flashed across the screen that captured their attention and saved me from having to explain.  I don't even know what it was, I just breathed again at the realization that I wasn't going to have to launch into a big sex-Ed lesson with my kiddos over this show and I went back to my book about murderous twins and whatnot until Clayton tapped me on the leg and drowsily demanded to know where the remote was.

"Turn it off, Mommy....I'm tired....Esten's already asleep."

And so it worked, once again....within thirty minutes Momma bear got her cubs to go to bed...I don't know how that polar bear does it, because we didn't get that far in the movie if they covered it at all...but I'm pretty sure she does it without drugs and porn.  In the frozen arctic tundra.  While being an "endangered species", and a single mother.  Once again...other mothers getting all show-offy with their skills.  She probably has more Facebook friends than me, awesome fish recipes on her Pinterest board and a kick-ass secret way to get stains out of white fur.

As per usual for my life....rub it in, polar bear....rub it in.

Breaking Spousal Commandments and Body Parts

The weather this winter was decidedly schizophrenic, to put it mildly.  The Hubs waited ever-so-patiently to put to good use the snowboard that he purchased the year he insisted I simply must learn to ski because it was the best thing ever.

In actuality, it may or may not be the same snowboard he bought that year.  He has a habit of buying good quality and taking good care of it long term (he still had his high-school water ski when I met him), but he also has a secondary habit of making purchases behind my back....so it's a toss up.

He even managed to make good on a promise to Esten this year to get him on the mountain once:



I am tearing this bunny hill a new one.

One thing that this wildy-mild, or just late and off-schedule season has seemed to do to my mate's otherwise very matrimonially-minded brain is the blatant disregard for a rule put in place at the beginning of every snowboard (previously skiing, you'll remember, was awesome, now for losers) season.  He was to call or text when he was on his way home so I knew, no matter if he was alone or with a buddy that he was not in a Sonny Bono or Natasha Richardson-type situation....or a lesser injurious state of brokenness.

Am I overreacting?  I don't really think so.  For the most part I consider myself fairly lax with regard to his sports participation.  Here, for example, is a very handsome photo of him, and a helicopter.  In Canada.  Where he may have exaggerated regarding his actual skills in order that they would take him to a more challenging area to board (so he would get his money's worth from the trip).  On Valentine's Day.  Which, if I were NOT fairly lax would have already been another blog post.

Buying a new suit totally convinced them - he looks legit.

That said, this season has been a stinker for our communication.  I fret all day until I hear from him, which usually doesn't happen until I'm texting him long after he's home and I'm still at work.  All that does is fuel my fury at him for making me worry for no reason.  He maintains that I should just quit fussing about him, but this week I was in a particularly big huff when I texted him at 4:09:

Are you home yet?

And again at 5:34 when I'd gotten no response:

Hello? Are you still alive? Broken?

Immediately he responded then:

I'm home.

I was livid.  As I pulled into the driveway the empty garbage can waved at me with its lid in the wind.  Annoyed, I parked the car, flung my purse over my shoulder and schlepped back out to the curb to wheel it back to its place next to the garage.  As I grabbed the handle and turned toward the house, I almost instantly found myself on the ground and in excruciating pain, rocks from the asphalt tearing into the skin on the top of my foot.  I had managed to twist my ankle on flat ground in flat shoes doing basically nothing and now I was bruising up and bleeding.  Shoving the garbage can in place, I limped into the house, gingerly stepping on my wounded limb.  I felt like I was about to black out.

Jason took one sideways look at me.  "What the Hell happened to you?"

"I fell."

"WHERE?  Doing WHAT?"

"In the driveway.  Bringing in the garbage can."

"Jesus Christ.  And you're worried about ME?  You need to worry about yourself and focus on getting from point A to point B just walking."

"Shut up.  I know."

And he's right.  There was the time, in Jamaica, that our group had finished the zip line course without a single safety incident and while walking back to the base camp I, for no apparent reason, just fell.  I didn't trip over anything.  I just fell.  And the guides made a really big deal about it, and scooped me up off the ground while Jason and our friends laughed at me.  And there was the time, on Mother's Day, that I was stepping over the baby gate, and my toe caught and I tried to catch myself from falling and ended up with 3 screws in my elbow.  If anyone in this two-hearts-beating-as-one-relationship is a klutz, it's definitely me.

But to be fair, if he ever asked me to text him while I'm on my way home from somewhere, I totally would.  Come to think of it, next time I hit the ground, I'm going to stay right where I land at least until he sends me a text or calls me, even if it's just to say:

What's for dinner?

I Can't Count On One Hand...

I can no longer count on one hand how old my youngest son is.  He has passed over to the land of this many:

Jesus. There are moms everywhere who are clearly
more skilled than me at EVERYTHING.
 Okayyyy. I get it. Showoffy bitches.
(photo: biwook.net)

We had ourselves a little birthday party last weekend to celebrate, and the one thing that I have insisted on pretty much every year is making my kiddos' cakes.  I'm not particularly skilled at it, I just think it makes up a bit for my full-time working mom status that though I'm not around all the time making memories during the week, at least I can do a bit more than order a memorable cream-cheese filling in a Costco cake.

This is not to demean anyone who orders a Costco cake for their kids at all.  They're delicious.  I'm just saying this is my thing between me and my kids that I'm hoping they'll have a good memory about, that's all.  Nothing else.

I had asked Clayton for inspirational ideas several times leading up to his birthday, so one morning a week before the event was going to be no exception, but it was early and he was tired.  I was about to ask him and he showed me something interesting.  He showed me his finger.  THE finger.  The middle finger.  The bird.  Without talking.  Here it is:

What? Oh, yeah...I'm THAT mom...the one who
made her kid flip her off AGAIN for the sake
of her blog. You're welcome that I'm such an
awful mom and you're not.

It was so interesting I had to ask him about it.  I said in my calmest, most un-freaking out soothing, nurturing mother voice, "Oh, what's that, Sweetie?"  When what I was thinking in my head was "What the HELL little asshole on the playground with moral-less parents has corrupted you and showed you THAT little gem?!"

He responded with a sleepy sniffle, "It's my unicorn, Mommy...isn't it beeyoootiful?"

Stunned, I asked him who showed him that, who told him to do it, the whole nine yards of motherly interrogatories....and he readily admitted that he and Esten had stayed up and done shadow puppets and that he also did....a rabbit and a butterfly.  He copped to making the unicorn up by himself.  When I asked why he didn't use his pointer finger for the horn he looked at me like I was speaking Russian.

"Duh, Mom....because then the unicorn wouldn't be able to talk...where would it's mouth be? [while wiggling and pointing to his thumb and other fingers]... Sometimes you say the silliest things...you're so funny."

I realized I was making a big deal out of nothing so I asked him one more thing.  "Clayton, I love your unicorn so much, and I think it's so special, would you promise only to show it to me and nobody else?  Could it be our secret?  Like especially don't show it to anybody at school?  Or Grandma?"

"I pwomith."

And with that deal sealed we got dressed and went on with our day and the unicorn hasn't been spotted since, except me asking him to do it so I could show you.  He gave me his idea for a Yoda and Darth Maul cake (which I vetoed) and I ultimately went with a Buzz Lightyear theme because he'd been pretty consistent in coming back to Toy Story when talking about what he wanted for his birthday anyway.  He ended up helping with the cake, which was a giant pain in the fanny (as usual) because I got my inspiration last minute, and because I always fly by the seat of my pants, and because, as I said before, I am not a professional or even novice-hobby cake maker.  When all was said and done, however....I think I did do a pretty good job of cementing this big number six birthday into my littlest boy-child's head with a sweet treat that he will remember, and I owe him that for all the memories he's left in my head this year, right?

No aliens were harmed in the eating of this cake.

I sure hope so....I'm kind of banking on this to undo a ton of crap I'm probably doing wrong as a mom....like jumping to conclusions and not fully appreciating the true innocence of the first time you get flipped off by your kids.  Or the second time you make them do it, just so you can take their picture for the sake of entertaining your friends and creating a little on-line memory book of sorts for them.  It is for their own good in the long run....right?  Right?