Friday, January 6, 2012

Interview With A Vampire

I’m pretty sure it’s clear by now to anyone who knows my kids how white they are. Clayton is my little vampire, refusing to sleep when the sun goes down and constantly trying to sneak his pasty little body into my bed. Some nights I give up and our sleeping arrangement looks something like this:

Daddy is at work.

Esten slides in bed next to Grandma. He has tried Grandpa’s bed but ends up cross ways and disturbs Grandpa’s sleep. I think at this point, Grandpa should be glad for anything that wakes him up besides death.

Clayton worms his way into my bed knowing Daddy’s not around and he’s got at least 5 hours before he gets kicked out for sure when Daddy comes home from work.

Most nights like this I spend repeating “quit your wiggling and be quiet and go to sleep”. Sometimes I switch it up with things like “mommy needs some beauty rest or I’m going to look like Shrek tomorrow” or “seriously. I. WILL. SPANK. YOUR. FANNY.”

This night I gave up and tried a new tactic, asking him as many questions as I could. The results were both hysterical and effective at the same time.

How old are you going to be when you grow up?


So, how old will I be then?

You’ll be dead because you’ll be so old like a hundred plus a hundred and you’ll be so old you’ll be dead.

Oh that’s terrible. Are you ever going to get married?


How many kids will you have?

Three. A girl and a girl and a girl. And I’m going to name them Edith, Agnes, and Margo.

Hmmmm, are those the girls on Despicable Me?

Yep, but I love them and that’s what I’m going to name my kids.

Oh, so what are you going to do, like for a job, like Daddy is a policeman, what are you going to do when you grow up?

Nothing, DUH MOM, Kings don’t have jobs and I’m going to live in a castle.

Nice, that sounds like fun. What is your wife going to do, will she have a job?

I changed my mind. I will catch bad guys with daddy. She is going to stay home and clean the dragon slobber off the ceiling and the bird poop off the windows, because that’s what wife’s do. And she is going to need a taaaaalll ladder and those are expensive.

Oooh, yeah. So I was thinking that you could just stay at my house forever and take care of me when I get old.

I can’t take care of you, you have to take care of me, plus this house will be all old and gross.

Well why can’t we just keep cleaning it like we do now, and fix things when they get broken so it won’t ever be gross?

But it will still be old, like you. And you’ll still probably be dead, probably.

Probably still dead? What else would happen?

I would probably dig a hole for you in the back yard, so that if I got hungry you could come in the kitchen and make me some waffles and hot cocoa.

Won’t your wife cook for you?

She doesn’t know how to make hot cocoa because she is a little girl and she will be on the ladder.

I wonder if Esten had a wife if she would make the cocoa for you guys?

Does Lauren know how to make cocoa?

She probably does, yeah.

So do you think she’s still mad that Esten married her?

I’m thinking she probably doesn’t know Esten married her yet.

I’m going to tell her next time, can I call her tomorrow?

We’ll see, what kind of car are you going to drive?

A train, stop asking me so many questions mommy, I’m so tired can I just go to sleep?

YES. Yes you can.

1 comment:

  1. I'm going to change the message on my answering machine to something like this; You've reached the Boyles residence. If you would like to talk with Scot or Cindie please leave a message. If your wanting to propose marriage to Lauren (or notify her of your already completed nuptuals) please call back in 15 years or so....that means you, ESTEN! :)