Sunday, September 26, 2010

Buckle your seatbelts, we're going to Hell

Without getting all religious or theological here, I really do have to share a recent experience.   If for nothing else than for you to learn from my mistakes, please pay attention.  There won't be a test, but someday you may find yourself saying "now what was that Heather said about...?"

When Hell was first created, most would argue that it was of God's doing to have a place to cast Satan when he was kicked out of Heaven. I disagree.  I believe Satan created Hell himself, since the first "version" of Hell was not quite right.  God would never have made a mistake like that.  It's now my belief, after this past week, that Satan created Hell, and his first attempt turned out too hot for his liking, so he tried again and created the Hell that we all know (or some of us will GET to know someday).  This "reject" version of Hell which scorched the tips of his horns he left alone and called it "Chattanooga".

Okay, so I'm's not JUST Chattanooga, but really all the places around Chattanooga within about a 2000 mile radius.

It doesn't help that I've packed on enough layers of blubber to keep an Eskimo family from fretting if the Ice Road Truckers can't bring their supplies before the road thaws for the spring.  But holy hotness Batman.  Supposedly the degree difference from home wasn't an issue, but the humidity was.  Whatever the case may be, my body wanted to shut down like it had too many shots at a frat party.  The thermostat set to a comfortable 67 degrees in my hotel room, my sweatiness would begin directly out of the shower.  I would just start drying myself off and couldn't get all the way done before I'd have to start over.  Then I'd spend the remainder of my regular hair/makeup routine alternating spots from the mirror to directly in front of the A/C.  The worst part of getting ready was squishing my clammy limbs into my clothes, which I reserved for the last possible moment before embarking out my freezer door to that jungle outside.  I put on SIX applications of Secret (guess it's no Secret anymore) before heading out, and began to think they really ought to start making that in full body lotion form.  I also started thinking a Depends Bra sounded like a pretty good idea.

So out the door and a short van ride later, we were in the coolness of a ginormous office complex where our training sessions were held.  We started at 8, worked through lunch, and ended at 6.  For anyone having to sit through a full day of training, it's torturous, but my days blew by fast since my fear was simply having to go back into that God-awful air again.  Men from this office were wearing suits, so the only logical explanation for it is that they were robots.  Robots with an extra coat of Rustoleum to keep the moisture from shorting out the circuit boards.

If any of my friends from home have an opportunity to visit that part of the country, I suggest a Christmas trip, since the views really were spectacular, so long as it was from the inside of a building.  Pack your own Pepsi. Coke is KING there, and even asking for a Pepsi will leave you wondering if you'll end up being gator bait.

1 comment:

  1. been to arkansas when it was warm yeah if you aint a climitized you gonna suffer and smell bad hahahhaa