Monday, January 3, 2011

Coupon FAIL

So TLC recently one-upped themselves (the network, not the lady singing group who no longer has the "L") by seeping into my brain with yet another show about wonder women sporting a specialized talent: couponing.  This is now one more thing I didn't realize I was not so skilled in until someone pointed it out to me.

If you missed it I would tell you to set your DVR to catch it next time it's on but I hope to save a friend or two (probably all that's reading this anyway) from the torture they'll inflict on themselves afterward.  Basically it's this: these women are freaks who roll through the checkout with up to nine carts overflowing and walk out paying almost nothing.  Inspirational?  At first, sure.  Maybe I can't store the kind of stash they have, which was estimated to support one woman's family for two years.  The other lady had enough toilet paper for her and her husband for 47 years.  Forty seven years.  FORTY SEVEN YEARS.  I want to know how the divorce decree reads for distribution of assets, each gets a 23.5 year supply?  Who gets first pick at the double-rolls?  There just is no way this marriage is going to work out.  She'll be on Hoarders in three seasons and Sister Wives in four.  He'll only want her for the extra laundry soap.  Stay tuned.

I figured I could baby-step my way into this little hobby with minimal problems.  I started out laying the groundwork, binder and all.  I am pretty good at setting up an organizational system.  Then things went a little downhill.  Okay a lot downhill, like Clark Griswold on his sledding adventure.  It started with needing extra Ben Gay for the arthritic cramps in my hands from the repetitive clipping of the scissors, except I don't have a coupon for Ben Gay.  Then...

I popped into a discount store on my lunch hour to see if they had any of the items matching my coupons.  I was so proud of myself that I literally only bought things I had coupons for, and that with it being a discount store, the $80.00 worth of groceries would only cost me around $20.00.  Everything on the belt, matching coupons at the ready, the clerk sternly looked at me and advised very unapologetically:
"I hope you're not trying to use those coupons here, we don't take them."
Really?  REALLY?  You know, that's one of the things that I would think they would display loud and proud somewhere around the doors, windows, registers, somewhere"We don't accept manufacturer's coupons."  I put it in the same category as "We don't take checks".  You have to tell people things like that up front.  I mean I know Costco doesn't take them, but who in their right mind is going to use a 50 cents off a toothbrush coupon for the package of 82 they have to buy there for $612.00?  Kidding, I love Costco.  Apparently so much so that they constantly harass me to upgrade my account because I have, according to their records, spent SO much money there that I'm really missing out on some cash back deal.

Okay, so fortunately I did have the money to hand over, $42.78, which I, in a past life of blissful ignorance, would have regaled in over saving half.  Somehow in this moment I was too deflated to celebrate.  There are people in the world who would walk away from the mess, say "I don't want it then" and leave.  Not me, I just tucked the coupons away, forked over the money, and schlepped my bags to the car with a black cloud over my head.  I spent wasted a lot of time staring at their shelves to match with my recollection and binder full of products I was looking for.  I could have had lunch with a friend instead.  This is stupid.

But it's not really.  Lesson learned.  I'm not going to be "good" at this for a while if ever, as is evident by my amateur misstep.  I'll try again once my confidence is back, and after my kids eat all that friggin' yogurt I just bought.


  1. You and your stories never cease to make me laugh so hard that I have to be sure to be within dashing distances to the Ladies..........

  2. My eyes bugged out of my head watching those people with ALL those carts and only spending a few dollars. I admit, I was intrigued! But like you said...where to store it all, not to mention the time it took them to clip all the coupons, keep them organized, match them with the store's best deals, etc.... I barely have enough time for my day to day stuff. Wowza!